Category Archives: Emotions

February 21, 2016 · 10:37 am

If You Have Nothing Nice To Say…

speech

Brushing up on communication skills is one way that we can enrich our relationships and learn to maneuver the waters of difference. There are several things we can do to accomplish this end. If you examine yourself, you will find areas in which you have used sarcasm to express your dissatisfaction with your mate. Sarcasm, no matter how fluent you may be, is not an acceptable form of communication. Early in our marriage, my wife made it clear to me that I had a great gift for tearing her down with the turn of a phrase—humorously of course. In my marriage, and I hope in yours, the goal is not to inflict pain on my mate.

My entire life I had been praised for my sharp wit and cutting remarks. In the secular world this ability drew people to me by virtue of what today I consider a communication defect. As I drew closer to God, I felt conviction about this.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.   -James 3:3-6

James makes no understatement about the damage that can be done by a tongue that is out of control. This tiny body part can destroy people with words of anger and hate. This is why itis imperative to examine what comes out of our mouths, for the destruction can be devastating to marriages and family.

Do you think before you speak? Do you consider the consequences of your words? Often times when we are slow to apologize we are quick to speak. Why do you think that is? When one understands the importance of humility it is easier to tame the tongue. Would you consider yourself a humble person? Would your spouse? What tends to trigger your outbursts? What changes need to be made to better control your emotions and your loose tongue?

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted

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February 6, 2016 · 7:09 pm

“I Have Feelings Too”

children's emotions

 Your children are counting on you to have their best interests at heart. They need to know you will be available in their time of need.  That means you need to be in tune with your children. Develop a relationship that is based on good communication. It is our responsibility to teach our children to be open with their feelings. Children who do not share their feelings tend to make decisions about those feeling based on their immature perspective of the world.

Since selfishness is so prevalent in our society, it is no great leap to assume that the choices they make will be founded in that same selfishness. Do not fear your children’s emotions. For some reason many parents shut their children down when they become angry, frustrated, or sad. “Don’t do that…you shouldn’t feel like that” is a common response.

Our children have all the same God-given emotions we do, but what is often missing is the social grace in dealing with those emotions.

When the child’s behavior tied to those emotions is destructive, the parent needs to differentiate between the feelings and the behavior that is deemed unacceptable. Make sure you validate the feelings and discuss them with your children. Men (and perhaps some women), for those of you who think that emotions are for girls or sissies, it’s time to grow up. That may require you to sit down with a counselor or pastor and identify the reasons you struggle with emotional expression. Do not invalidate your child’s emotions; rather consider healthy ways to help them express those emotions. Your children are more likely to communicate with you if you allow them the freedom of verbal expression.

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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January 24, 2016 · 1:34 pm

Relationship Priorities (Part III): Developing Confident Assurance

balance

In this series on relationship priorities we looked at the first two elements necessary to grow great relationships (model Christ and focus on other people).  In this, the final post in this series we will examine the third and final element of our priority list.

3. Focus on yourself. It’s amazing how when you initiate the first two priorities, the attitude about the third changes drastically. When you demonstrate Christ and put others first, what you get back in the contentment of joy carries you through most of your other trials. Joy is the confident assurance and trust of God in our lives. Throughout his letter to the Philippians, Paul explains how his joy carried him through some pretty intense tribulation. Read through Philippians and discover for yourself the difference between happiness and joy.

Do what is “right” and let the appropriate emotions follow the behavior.

 It’s exciting to see how the confidence and security of right actions affect our emotional state.  I always refer to the Bible in determining that “right” position.  Imagine having a tough day, traffic was terrible and you almost got into an accident, you got into an argument with one of your co-workers, your head has been aching all day and to top it all off you leave work only to be greeted by a flat tire!  It stinks, right?!  Now finally you get home, emotionally you are frustrated to say the least.  You have a decision to make.  In choosing to do what is right and behave in a loving fashion toward your wife and family you will have a direct impact on what you will receive from them.  Loving behavior is usually reciprocated thereby affecting your negative emotional state.  It can directly affect your well-being.  You will begin to feel better because of the consequences of right behavior.

 Live intentionally. As I stated in the introduction, the Scriptures are a guidebook to life, written by the one who created us. You benefit by living with intention and making decisions that guide the path of your life, with God’s direction, rather than living haphazardly, just letting life happen to you.  Understand that none of us is perfect, not by a long shot! But if we make selflessness our goal rather than serving our own self-interest, the odds of receiving God’s best in our lives increases tremendously.  Mark sums up our priorities the best.

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.   Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’   The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  There is no commandment greater than these.”  -Mark 12:28-31

By modeling and loving God and investing in others, the impact that behavior has on YOUR well-being will lead to personal peace, satisfaction and joy.  Be Blessed!

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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January 9, 2016 · 9:03 pm

Relationship Priorities (Part II): Putting Others Before Yourself

People focus

In our last post we began to address the relationship priorities that grow and enhance our interactions and our lives.  Previously we examined the importance of modeling Christ in our daily walk rather than expectations of happiness.  Now, let’s take a look at the second element.

2. Focus on other people. If you take the focus off yourself and spend more time focusing on others, you make it less likely that your motivations will be driven by your own selfish desires. This is not to say you should neglect yourself, because you can only pour into others if you stay emotionally, physically, and spiritually full. You simply do not become the priority as we shall see shortly.

Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.  -1 Corinthians 10:24

The therapeutic effect of stepping out of your own emotional state to serve others is amazing. Mary was diagnosed with cancer.  Her knee-jerk reaction was to withdraw from the world. She lived in fear that any exposure to the outdoors, to the sun, would accelerate the cancer. Mary locked herself away, covering all the windows and never taking a step out of the house. She withdrew from other people, embarrassed by the hair loss associated with chemotherapy. She stopped coming to church, essentially stopped living.

What Mary had chosen to do is eliminate any new input or thought that would challenge her emotions. She simply recycled all the negative fear messages through her head. Her behavior followed suit and was dictated by those emotions. After consultation, she began challenging the fears and weighing the possible consequences of stepping outside her home. Commonly, we assume that things will be much worse than they actually end up being. One thing appeared certain: if Mary didn’t take a chance, her fear would eat her alive.

The following week she came to church. The outpouring of love and acceptance was heartwarming and had a great impact on her. Having all these people walking alongside her gave Mary a new lease on life. Her hair grew back following the chemo treatments, and her joy and confidence returned even faster. This dear lady made the decision not to follow her feelings but choose her own behavior, in spite of those destructive feelings.  She stepped forward, in spite of her emotions and engaged and invested in the lives of others to the benefit of all concerned.

Investing in others reaps dividends far greater than monetary riches!

As a matter of habit, do you find yourself more inwardly focused than investing in others?  What do you fear might happen if you extended yourself to others?  I want to encourage you to take a chance, you have much to offer others…God says so and that’s good enough for me!

In my last post in this series I will reveal the final priority in creating stability in our relationships and in our lives.

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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December 27, 2015 · 2:48 pm

Relationship Priorities (Part I): They Go Beyond Your Happiness

priorities

Being aware of your emotional state and choosing your behaviors is one method to restore some peace in the relationship. Some of the other methods include the following.

 Don’t make happiness (a feeling) the ultimate goal in your marriage.

It sounds contrary to what you hear; everyone says, “I just want to be happy in my marriage.” Your desire should be to seek that deeper contentment known as joy. Emotionally we can be like a rollercoaster depending on what the day might bring. Happiness tends not to be consistent whereas the deeper sense of contentment or satisfaction (joy) remains constant regardless of what’s going on around us. True contentment is based on selflessness with a distinct priority system made up of three elements.

1. Model Christ in your life and in your relationships. The example Jesus sets in Scripture is the one we should follow while interacting with others. Christ’s example is demonstrated in the following passage:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus…  -Philippians 2:1-5

Has the goal of “happiness” been an issue in your relationship(s)? How realistic is it to expect others to make you happy? How effective are YOU at making others happy? Do your relationships experience much emotional turmoil?

Modeling Jesus in our lives transcends personal happiness. When we strive to emulate him it produces in us a sense of inner contentment that those around us will only benefit from.

In my next post I will reveal the second priority in creating stability in our relationships and in our lives.

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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December 13, 2015 · 12:06 pm

Keep Your Focus Upward!

Focus on God

I sit in my hospital room, contemplating the events that brought me here. What started as a freak accident, stepping on a screw head that was in the threshold between the master bedroom and the bathroom, has turned into a serious infection and hospitalization. The podiatrist entered my room with a choice of alternatives. “The infection is very serious and growing. The antibiotic IV’s will only hold it at bay. Our choice is one of two, send you home for six weeks with an antibiotic IV with no guarantee that we will kill the infection and very possibly be in a worse place than we are now, or remove the toe in a place past the infection site and eliminate the spread.”

I couldn’t believe it! Things were going so well. I had returned just two weeks before with a first-place gold medal honor for the first book I had ever authored. My wife and I were honored with a radio interview regarding our books, our ministry and our marriage. The Interview went so well that they slated us for a follow-up. Other interviews are on the horizon. Our ministry was growing and people were being healed. I was revved up and ready to teach my next marriage class in early January. To say nothing of the Christmas excitement flowing through the home. All seemed right with the world.

Why God? Why? This was where I chose to emotionally park myself.

As human beings this is our tendency. Forget all of the blessings that God has bestowed and focus ONLY on the one thing that we can’t make sense of. I don’t underestimate the importance of the grieving process and growing past those circumstances in which we can’t understand the loss. The problem is, too many times we don’t bother to put our car in reverse, back out of the parking space and move forward, working through the hurt and loss that only comes with God’s help.

Prayer before making my decision led me to Psalm 18:2, “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” I was not alone in my circumstances. I was never alone.

When Jesus walked the earth, knowing the pain and the agony he would have to endure at the crucifixion, he asked God to take this cup if it was His will. This was very human, Jesus experienced all of our emotions. Jesus also knew his father and trusted in His strength to do what was necessary. This is an example to us all. In spite of the trials we may face, lean into the one who will get us through, regardless whether we understand the outcome or not.

How did my trial end? I processed my situation (I concede, with a bit of pouting) then decided to back out of the parking slot that I had settled into. Three days later I left the hospital (well, all except one less toe on my right foot.) Confident in the decision that I made. I will be spending the Christmas holiday recuperating with family and friends, fully aware and most thankful for all He has done (and is doing) for me. I will be most eager to get up and running for 2016!

I encourage you who are struggling or dealing with trials this holiday season, you are not alone. Trust God to carry you through the darkness.

I wish you all a MERRRY CHRISTMAS and focus on the blessings that God has given you.

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September 6, 2015 · 7:36 am

What’s Real About Romance?

masks

The idea of romantic love has been expressed in an infinite number of venues. When speaking of romantic love I am not talking about being romantic in your relationship; these are two different things. Let’s differentiate. Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet is a great literary example of two star-crossed lovers whose family feuding prevents them from being together, leading to their ultimate ends. This is wonderfully romantic stuff. The movies are obsessed with the idea of romantic love and that our love for one another will conquer any adversity.

During dating and courtship, it is hard to find any flaws in the “most beautiful person on the face of this planet.” Well, we tend to ignore the flaws. It’s the whole “rose-colored glasses” syndrome. Romantic love certainly has a place in the development of relationships. One of the problems with romantic love is that it tends not to be very realistic. Romantic love typically does not allow for imperfections. This is not to say that people in romantic love are perfect, it’s just that many times neither party is willing to assess or address imperfections in the other person. We allow the relationship to run the course, believing (unrealistically) that things will get better in time. They don’t get better, and they often get much worse as your mate becomes more comfortable with you. However, since you never addressed the issue to begin with, they are baffled by your frustration with the behavior now. After all, they have been consistent.

In your opinion, what do you think is a key element in reducing surprises based on denying flaws? What reasons might you give for not opening the door to communication in dealing with some of the “red flags” in your relationship? What fears do you think drive the response to the previous question?

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted

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August 23, 2015 · 2:20 pm

Why Forgiveness? (Part III): Beyond the Pain

pain

As I noted in my last post, forgiveness does not mean you will simply forget what has happened in the past. What it does mean is that you can decide how much control it will have on your future. Merriam-Webster defines the word forget as “to disregard intentionally.” Again we come back to intentionality. We must choose to leave the pain of the past at the foot of the cross or we will continue to be re-victimized over and over as we allow the bitterness back in.

We must also understand that our ability to forgive may have nothing to do with whether the situation is resolved or all wrongs are righted. If God tells us we should forgive, that means it is something we have the ability to do regardless of the actions of others. In some cases the other person may not believe (or choose not to accept responsibility) that they even committed the offense that hurt you so deeply. This is common in cases of molestation.

This brings up a good point. I have worked with people who were molested in their younger years and now as adults request help and healing so they can get on with their lives. In some instances the perpetrator is deceased. Forgiveness is a key element in our ability to move beyond our pain. But how on earth can we possibly forgive the perpetrator if we have no ability to get restitution?  The fact is God does not make restitution a condition of our ability to forgive. The choice to begin the forgiveness journey resides in the decision you make between God and yourself.

Ephesians 5:1 tells us to “be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us….” We are called to be imitators of God. We are called to extend ourselves beyond our own understanding, beyond our own emotional hurts, and behave in ways that will edify one another and grow our marriages.

Sometimes moving beyond the pain of the past is not directly related to your relationship with your spouse. The pain can come from much further back in your life experiences. The problem with unresolved forgiveness is that it creates a root of dysfunction that infiltrates the garden of your marital relationship. In such cases it would be beneficial to secure the services of a christian counselor in your area. A great resource is http://www.aacc.net (The American Association of Christian Counselors) Remember, your obligation is to bring your BEST self to your relationship. Be blessed!

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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August 9, 2015 · 10:57 am

Why Forgiveness? (Part II): The Misconceptions of Forgiveness

letting go

You have probably asked yourself, “How many times am I supposed to forgive that knothead? It seems like they just keep repeating the same things that cause me so much pain.” Granted, that statement may well define exactly how you feel right now. Your emotions may be stretched tight, and you might not care for the answer. I present it to you with no regrets since the answer is not really mine. Look up Matthew 18:21-22. What does it tell you about forgiveness? The message is pretty clear. Peter had a set number of times in his head before he would be justified in cutting off someone he considered his enemy. Jesus tells Peter that, unlike what the spiritual leaders of the day taught, our forgiveness should be infinite. This is not to say there aren’t times when we should set boundaries to eliminate repeated intentional hurts by another.

You see, in those days the people were taught by the spiritual leaders that those who offend should be forgiven only three times. Jesus tells Peter to have a heart of perpetual forgiveness. Part of the problem people have with forgiveness lies in the messages we are often taught growing up such as, “You need to forgive and forget,” or “Forgiveness is complete when things are made right.”

Some of us believe it is necessary to forget the damage done to us once we have forgiven. We think that otherwise true forgiveness is not possible. Think of forgiveness as a journey that begins with the decision to take the trip. We must decide to move along the path of holiness toward emotional healing from the pain inflicted. Once we decide to forgive it does not mean the emotional damage will simply disappear. At times you may remember the incident that caused the pain, but that does not mean you haven’t forgiven. The remembrance just means the pain has not yet gone away. It may be necessary to give it back to God so that you do not dwell on that pain. It may take some time for your emotional healing to catch up to your spiritual decision, depending on the degree of the damage, but remind yourself that you have decided to forgive and that God will give you the strength to move forward.

In my last post I asked you to consider who you might need to forgive. What prevents you from laying it at the foot of the cross? God calls us to forgive, not because he condones or takes lightly the wrong that has been perpetrated against you, but because He knows the pain and the anguish unforgiveness creates in a person. It prevents you from being the person that God created you to be. I encourage you, take the first step; decide to forgive. Then let God walk alongside you in your journey of healing. You don’t have to do it alone.

I will conclude my posts in this series on forgiveness by focusing on moving beyond the pain…

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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July 25, 2015 · 8:45 am

Why Forgiveness? (Part I): The Command to Forgive

forgiveness 3

My next series, “Why Forgiveness?,  is a difficult topic for many, primarily because it’s a topic we don’t often understand.  I will spend my next three posts shedding some light on this subject that cuts deep to our soul and well-being.

In the Lord’s Prayer, a model for praying given to the disciples by Jesus, we read,

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors…  Matthew 6:12

This is a command to forgive those who have wronged us as we have been forgiven by God for our own transgressions.  As we go further in that same chapter, we read,

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins.  Matthew 6:14-15

Why does Jesus make such a definitive statement?  The primary reason lies in the fact that for us to deny forgiveness to another is arrogance on our part.  It’s as if we are denying that we too are sinners and in need of God’s forgiveness every bit as much as that other person.  How much more when you withhold forgiveness from your spouse.  God views forgiveness as a necessary element within our relationships.

We can all agree about the power anger can have over an individual.  If left unchecked it resides in us like a cancer, and some in the medical professions believe it could even be a cause of cancer, but many other issues are related to unresolved anger.

We spend much of our time despising what someone has done to us.  We spend much of the day looking for other things to add fuel to that fire in order to justify the pain caused by that anger.  Anger takes a firm root and grows. It seeps into other areas of our lives as well, affecting our general disposition.  We can become a bear to be around. You see, the problem is that anger envelops our heart and we become a bitter person. It is imperative to forgive because if not we become stuck and unable to move forward in our lives. Essentially we give control to the offending person for our behavior. Do you really want to give that much control to someone who has already hurt you so deeply? Certainly not!

 Forgiveness is a way for you to acknowledge what has happened, relinquish the power of the anger and hurt, and move forward.

As you read through this brief post who came to your mind?  Who do you need to forgive?  More in my next post as we examine some of the misconceptions about forgiveness…

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted. 

 

 

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