Category Archives: Expectations

August 5, 2018 · 7:57 am

Communication: A Two-Way Street (Part One) “Listen Up!”

distractions

In these next few consecutive blogs I would like to address one of the greatest causes of divorce in our country and perhaps offer some guidance while helping you stay on the matrimonial road. Poor communication skills destroy families every day, let’s begin with a story…

You can imagine the scene. Husband is sitting on the sofa enjoying his midseason ritual. It’s a close game. The score is 6-7 and a man is on third base, edging to come home. “What’s that noise?” Here comes the right fielder, his turn at bat, and the pitch. Ground ball between the first and second basemen, quickly picked up, and the ball is feverishly thrown home. To no avail; the guy on third slides into home plate and is safe! The husband wonders, What is that low annoying murmur? The catcher throws the ball to first, again too little too late. Safe! The score is now tied, 7-7. Up to the plate comes the short stop, the guy’s got a powerful swing. With increasing irritation, the husband mutters, “There it goes again.” The pitcher winds up and throws; it looks like it’s going to be right in there. The swing and a hit. Crack! A good solid hit. It’s going, going, going… That sound again, like a hive full of bees swarming in my head. Why won’t it stop!

This scene captures what it’s like when some wives try to communicate with their husbands. It doesn’t have to be an important ballgame, it could be just about anything—anything that’s given priority over communication between a husband and wife. Incidentally, the roles in this scenario and the specifics can easily be reversed, lest we think men are the only guilt culprits of poor communication. We are now going to examine the fine art of hearing and being heard by our spouse.

A variety of issues can interfere with effective communication in one’s marriage. They can derive from extended family interference, friendship interference, issues of guilt and shame, faulty perceptions of God, family of origin issues, an ex-spouse, lies a person believes about themselves, and many, many other things. Every one of these issues can cause cracks in the dynamics of communication.

It’s funny how many parents demand excellent listening skills from their children yet fail to demonstrate them in their own marriage relationship. Again, we are called to be an example to our children. When your spouse wants to talk with you and share how they feel about a particular issue, show your love for them by making it important to you. If you have something to say, you expect their attention. Agree to talk after the children go to bed, turn off the television, put down the newspaper, stop clipping coupons, just stop. Eliminate outside distractions so that you are in a state to hear what your spouse has to say.

Body language says a lot about your interest in the other. Turn toward your spouse, use eye contact, and show your interest. Husbands, if it seems your wife is agitated, take her hand and sit with her. There is a great calming effect in human touch, even if you are the cause of her aggravation.

For many of us who have never spent much time thinking about such things, this seems very awkward. Just because something seems awkward does not mean it is wrong. Many of the things discussed in these next few blogs will take time to develop into a level of comfort, but do them anyway. Remember, at this point it’s not about doing what’s comfortable (that’s what’s gotten us into trouble to begin with)—it’s about doing what is right.

Let’s identify some of the impediments to healthy communication in your relationship. You and your spouse each get a sheet of paper. Draw a half-dollar size circle in the middle of a sheet of paper then write “my marriage” inside the circle. The circle represents you and your mate. Take a couple of minutes and write down around your circle the circumstances, situations, people, or anything else that create roadblocks to communication in your marriage. As you place these deterrents on the chart, put them in proximity to how much impact they have on your relationship. The items with greater impact will be placed closer to your marriage circle (if very severe negative impact you may even put it within the circle), and the items with lesser impact will be placed farther from the circle. After you both have completed your chart, share it with your spouse
and compare charts. Make a list of the similarities you found between your chart and your spouse’s chart.

It is very important to isolate these interferences and develop methods to combat their negative impact on your communication. In the case of a meddling father-in-law, a solution might be to set up boundaries and limit the family’s exposure to him. Another solution might be to have the son sit down with his father and set him straight. What action steps can you take to minimize the impact these interferences will have on your communication in the future?

In the next post we will continue to address communication and focus on what culture has done to inhibit male communication as well as how transparency can cause communication to blossom.

Be blessed until next time!

©2018 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Behavior, Communication, Expectations, Respect, Selfishness, Uncategorized

Tagged as , ,

July 1, 2018 · 10:23 am

I Don’t Make the Rules

Shrugging

With regard to the culturally distasteful notion of submission, it is important, certainly as a Christian, to understand that submission works when both partners are submissive to God first.  There is an accountability that exists between us and God and between husband and wife.  The husband understands that his submission to God means that he will always have the best interest of his wife at heart and display God to wife and family. This selfless behavior makes submission to him an easy commitment for his partner to fulfill.

Parenting has another form of accountability attached to that role.  Parents are accountable to God for the gift of their children. We are called to raise our children in a way that is pleasing to him.  That, by definition, gives us authority over our children. But again we’re called to lead our children by demonstrating the character of God and his love. Remember, children model the dynamics that occur in the home. Do your children obey and submit to your authority?  Do we as parents help our children to achieve the expectations that God has for them?  This may be something for you to consider.  The Scriptures have laid out acceptable and unacceptable behaviors tied to God’s expectations of us and of our children.

Our accountability to God is to raise our children in the ways that he prescribes. As discussed in chapter one, God has the best interest of the husband and wife at heart, and he likewise wants the best for our (his) children.  Children reap the rewards when the parents demonstrate the same care for their well-being as God does for the parents. So too the children are called to obedience and submission.  Children are accountable to their parents (and God) for their actions, and parents are called to be accountable to God in the way they raise their children.

Make your children aware that your parenting decisions—as well as decisions in general—are in collaboration with and submission to God’s authority.  This sets a great example to the kids and also sends a clear message that the decisions you make will not be so easily manipulated since, just as they are accountable to you, you have higher accountability as well.  This is what facilitates the scriptural command for children to obey their parents.

©2018 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

Leave a comment

Filed under Accountability, Expectations, Parenting, Role Modeling, Roles, Submission

Tagged as , , , ,

May 20, 2018 · 4:25 pm

You Can Work With What You Know

couples 1

Expectations are an area in our marriage that can really trip us up.  One of the big problems in relationship, whether new or old is the problem of unexpressed expectation.  We all have them, but unless you both are aware of them it makes fulfilling each others needs considerable more difficult.  We simply take it for granted that the other person know our wants and needs.  Unless you are both mind readers there will never be a meeting of the minds.  Another problem occurs when our expectations for our marriage are unrealistic, then a series of potholes will litter the matrimonial highway. We can easily lose sight of God’s design for our marriage; we can forget all the qualities that first attracted us to our spouse; and we can forget just how special our mate really is. We can get so caught up in our differences (often the things we found endearing at first) and forget that our spouse’s strengths offset our own weaknesses and vice versa.  We begin to focus on how our partner can be fixed rather than understanding how God created them different from us. We focus on our feelings rather than the practice of love.

When it was all said and done, the apostle Paul had one expectation: “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death” (Philippians 1:20).  Paul’s expectation was that Christ always be honored.

Now let’s do an experiment.  Go someplace where you can be alone, someplace comfortable and with no intrusions. You may both complete the following exercise in a personal journal or notebook.  Each of you sit for about fifteen minutes, silently.  Once your mind is clear of outside interference make a list of six expectations you have for your mate,  the future of your relationship or anything else that you’d like to see your spouse do more often.   Really give this some thought.  Consider how these expectations would make you feel if they were tended to.  Now that you have completed your list, go back and reread it.  Do you find more negatives in your expectations list than positives?  Has your lack in expressing them to your spouse led to certain expectations being unfulfilled?  I then suggest that you both sit together and share your lists with one another, discussing together the unrealistic ones and coming up with a plan to put forth the effort to address those that are attainable.  Working toward meeting the needs of our partner displays a great sense of selflessness, the foundation of a healthy marriage.  Remember, we can work with what we know.  Be blessed!

©2018 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

Leave a comment

Filed under Assertiveness, Behavior, Beliefs, Communication, Expectations, selflessness, Unity

Tagged as , ,

February 18, 2018 · 8:53 am

Success is Our Goal!

Success

When couples work together to reach mutual goals, the level of intimacy increases in the marriage. A great deal of satisfaction comes from accomplishments made as a team.  Look at the excitement and energy on display when a baseball team wins an important game.  They train, struggle, and sweat together to take that championship. Listen to the guys sharing about their last backpacking trip and the satisfaction expressed that in spite of fatigue, terrain, or weather conditions, they made it to their destination together.  Observe the young couple who scrimped and saved prior to getting married just so they would have enough money to make a down payment on their first home. The joy of accomplishment is beyond words!

Working together toward a common goal creates a sense of belonging, teamwork, and accomplishment, there is no doubt.  It is important to benchmark goals and have smaller intermediary goals on the way to the grand finale of goals.  By doing so, momentum will remain high because we can see our efforts beginning to pay off, thus increasing the likelihood of attaining our end goal.

 Setting Goals Together  An acronym that helps to summarize the basics of goal setting is as follows. Goals should be S.M.A.R.T.  You may have heard this acronym or something close to it in one form or another, but it bears repeating.

 Goals should be Specific. The problem with the goals many people set is that they are so vague it is difficult to determine the direction the goal setting is headed.  Leave for your destination without a map and only a vague idea of where you’re headed and you will end up traveling all over town and wasting a great deal of gasoline and time in the process—to say nothing of the frustration and anger that will result. A map shows us exactly where we are headed, and we’ll know when we arrive.

 Goals should be Measurable. It is helpful to have a way to benchmark our productivity as we move toward a goal.  In this way we can assess from time to time and see if we are indeed moving along the right road. When a goal is measurable we are also encouraged by the small plateaus we hit in striving toward the desired end.

 Goals should be Achievable. We should not set financial goals so high that we will never meet the mark. A family with a combined annual income of $50,000 should probably not decide to start saving $2000 a month toward a down payment for a new home.  They will become disheartened by the second month and give up the goal entirely.

 Goals should be Realistic. It’s great to be a visionary, but if you set your goals too lofty you will never be able to attain them. You will simply become frustrated and give up.

 Goals should be Time Sensitive. We should make sure that we designate a certain amount of time for accomplishing our goals. This too will help us to benchmark our progress. Short-term goals are usually ones that you can successfully accomplish in six months to one year’s time. Longer-term goals will usually range from one to five years.

Again, your goals can be personal ones, something you would like to accomplish. Maybe the completion of that college degree you have been working on, or joining the gym to take off those last ten pounds. They can be goals focused on you and your mate—perhaps saving some money so that you can attend an upcoming marriage retreat your church is sponsoring. Goals can also be family oriented, such as putting together a big family vacation.  When we are working toward the same goals as a couple or family, we get to share in the benefits of accomplishment.

I pray blessing on you and that God give you the strength to do what’s right.

©2017 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

Leave a comment

Filed under Behavior, Commitment, Expectations, Finances, Goals, Obedience

Tagged as , , ,

September 10, 2017 · 10:14 am

Control Yourself!

 

control-yourself

Have you come to place in your relationship where some assessment may be necessary?  Fact of the matter, you should be periodically assessing your marriage.  It’s much easier to work through the issues in a relationship while they are small and manageable.  For some reason, many people wait until the violations are so deep that coming back from the damage is a very difficult proposition.  Mind you, I did not say impossible!  Has the reality of your marriage left your marital expectations in the dust?

If this is the state in which you find yourself, you may be asking, “How do I not only achieve some relief but hopefully move this ailing union forward?”   I want to encourage you, it may be time to stop addressing the seemingly endless negatives about the other person.  Our tendency is to gather as much evidence as possible to support the reason you feel the way you do about your spouse.  This only feeds the negative attitude.  At this point it is important to find and focus on the positives.

You need to periodically identify what behaviors were occurring when things were better; in other words, what was I doing differently (or, doing right)? Notice that your spouse is not being addressed here.  There is good reason for that. One of the keys to a healthy relationship is that both parties involved take responsibility for their own attitudes and behavior.  I am more interested in you than your spouse for the simple reason that you do not have the ability to change them, only yourself.  If, however, you begin to take responsibility for your own behavior and focus on positive improvements, it certainly can affect the dynamics of the relationship.

Ponder the following scripture. As you do, listen to what God has to tell you. This may take more than a few minutes because sometimes our own hurts prevent us from wanting to hear what God has to say in a given situation.

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.              -Jeremiah 33:3

What does this scripture speak to you?  Go someplace where you can be alone, someplace comfortable and with no intrusions.  Now make a list of six expectations you have for the future of your marriage.  Once your list is completed, go back and reread it.  Do you find more negatives in your expectations list than positives?  What current behavior(s) might you need to change to move the marriage back to a time when it was more fulfilling? Ask yourself what positive behaviors you did in the past that you are no longer doing.  Once you’ve identified theses behaviors you’ve complete half the job.  Yes, the other half is implementing them without expecting anything from your mate at this point.  “Well, why should I do it if they won’t even acknowledge it!”  Why?  Because it is the right thing to do.  Now that IS YOUR responsibility!

I pray blessing on you and that God give you the strength to do what’s right.

©2016 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Behavior, Beliefs, Character, Communication, Emotions, Expectations, selflessness

Tagged as , , , ,

June 25, 2017 · 8:11 am

Oh, What’s the Difference?! (Part II)

Boxing 2

With the understanding that we can all work with what we know, we shall continue to shed some light on common traits amongst the sexes that are more often than not “hard-wired”. These traits can cause frustration if we do not take a graceful stance toward the one we love. These differences are designed to enrich our relationship, not produce a thorn in our side. By demonstrating a selfless attitude rather than one of arrogance and superiority these characteristics will grow you both and increase your capacity to love.

Let’s continue with the guys, men have a “fix-it” mentality. They like the challenge of addressing a problem and coming up with a quick and effective solution. When men can do that they feel good about themselves. This causes a great deal of irritation for most women. Women like to express themselves. They process information and emotions inside by discussing them. It’s not always an issue of needing a “fix”; they just want to be heard. So guys, a freebie: accept that you are married to a grown woman, and she doesn’t need you to fix her. Your wife is just as capable of making decisions and doing the right thing as you are. If she really needs your help with an issue, let her ask you! Husbands, you would benefit by being quiet more often and listening to what your wives have to say. Although it may be difficult, just try it and see what happens.

For husbands there is a great desire to take responsibility for the relationship. Men want to be the “take charge” kind of guy for their wife and family. Understand that the term responsible is in reference to a relatively healthy man. In dysfunctional relationship dynamics where the man has a great deal of baggage from the past, the husband may well be just the opposite and behave in a very irresponsible manner. Women, on the other hand, are quick to respond and more sensitive to the dynamics of the relationship. Wives like pouring back into the relationship.

Guys do it once and do it big. They invest wholeheartedly for an impacting result. Women prefer smaller investments more frequently. An example of this would be the husband who once a year spends money at the florist for the biggest, gaudiest bouquet of roses he can find, throwing in the box of chocolate and the overpriced teddy bear for good measure, thinking this makes up for anything he might have missed along the way. Quite possibly, if you asked your wife, she would much prefer to get one rose once a week on her pillow as a reminder of how much you love her, instead of the circus display described earlier.

Hopefully, now you are beginnings to see how the building blocks work together, how our differences can complement one another. Our differences are not the enemy. We will continue to elaborate on these differences in part three of the post, “The Differences Between Men and Women”.

Do you see yourself in some of the traits listed above? What are some of the ways that you can demonstrate more grace in maneuvering through the differences between you and your spouse? What might the result of your actions be?

In the third part of our post we will continue to flesh out the common traits that can help us understand better how our spouse thinks and some of the motivational factors that lead to our behaviors. See you next time!

I pray great blessings on you and your family.

©2016 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

Leave a comment

Filed under Behavior, Character, Communication, Differences, Emotions, Expectations, Grace, selflessness

Tagged as , , , ,

June 4, 2017 · 8:24 am

Oh, What’s the Difference?! (Part I)

Boxers 1

As we age and mature, the hope is that we grow emotionally and spiritually. Unfortunately for many, myself included, we also grow physically. No matter how much we try to push, tuck, cram, and squeeze we will never get into the jeans of our youth. Face it, size 32  jeans were not designed to accommodate 40-inch waists, no matter what you want to believe! Some people try to do the same thing with their spouses.

It is a great mistake to try to force our wives or husbands into a mold of our own design. Develop the understanding that your differences are ideally the things that strengthen a marriage. What is required to make it work is a measure of patience, grace, and humility. We will venture together on a four-part journey designed to address the differences between the sexes. We will identify what makes a man and a woman tick. As we go deeper, we will uncover the heart of both men and women. Let’s begin by taking a look at some typical characteristics. These characteristics may not run completely across the board with every man or woman, but they are typical enough that we need to acknowledge these traits to better understand the person we married.

For men, the desire to be appreciated is a key factor in their make-up. Men like to know that their presence in a situation has an impact on that situation. We want to know that our input makes a difference. Men also tend to be competitive by nature. The challenge (and the fun) of winning is in the race. Even though maturing means we have to accept the occasional loss, no man likes it.

A couple made the decision to take off a few pounds. They signed up for Weight Watchers and began their point system for weight loss. It’s a well-known fact that men lose weight at a faster rate than women do—one of the things the husband greatly anticipated. Sure enough, the first week he lost 7.4 pounds and his wife lost considerably less than that, no big surprise. It was not because he was doing so much better than she but because of how men and women’s body chemistry and metabolism works. Frankly, he didn’t care about the reason as long as he continued to beat her. This simple example makes a point. Men love the thrill of the competition; it’s how they are wired. As a rule men care less about the details and more about the finish line.

Women love the joy of anticipation, so they typically like the idea of planning ahead. For some, the thought process, the discussions, and the planning are the most rewarding part of the execution of events. Women tend to have a more cooperative nature, so they enjoy the opportunity to work with others. You can see why that would be important to a woman in her relationship. This is why the husband that “shuts down” is a painful hurdle for the wife to get over.

In the areas addressed above, have you been respectful of these differences? What behaviors on your part may need to change to accommodate some of these changes? Remember, your marriage is not about you, we are called to selfishness in our relationships.

In the next post we will look at more traits common to the sexes, don’t miss it!

I pray great blessings on you and your family.

©2016 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

Leave a comment

Filed under Behavior, Character, Communication, Differences, Emotions, Expectations, Grace, selflessness

Tagged as , , , ,

March 12, 2017 · 8:52 am

Stumbling in the Darkness

darkness

Why is it that so often couples come into my office, there marriage a wreck, without a clue about what to do about it?  They are totally lost, hopeless and helpless with regards to what direction to go.  “How did we get like this?” is a very common phrase that echoes off the walls of my office.  My question for them,“ Why did you wait so long to address this situation?”

Marriages do not dissolve overnight.  Generally it takes an extended period of frustration to erode the foundation of a marital commitment.  Why the procrastination?  Let me share a little allegory that might give insight into the consequences of poor decision-making…

Once upon a time there was a man.  This man was enjoying a 3D movie in the privacy of his home theater.  Needless to say, the room was darkened as the glare from the movie screen lite up the room.  Suddenly, there was the sound of the telephone coming from the other room.  Annoyed, the man rose to his feet, crossed to the end of the couch, around a small padded leather child’s theater seat then past another, making his way to the screen in order to cross to the door leading out of the theater.  He passed another child’s chair, maneuvered past the wooden, cinema poster decorated coffee table, finally opening the door and exiting the theater.  In a hurry to get to the phone, he didn’t even bother to stop the video or turn on the house lights.  In fact, in his rush it never occurred to him to remove the 3D glasses he was wearing.  After all he was coming right back, no need to bother with that!  As one would expect, by the time he reached the phone the ringing stopped.  The call was obviously not important enough for the caller to leave a message.  With a sigh of frustration, he turned back around a headed toward the theater…

Is anyone predicting a problem?

…rushing back into the theater our main character does not take into account the eye adjustment required when leaving a brightly-lite room into a darkened theater, to say nothing of the fact that, don’t forget, he is still wearing those 3D glasses he was too lazy to remove.  He crosses the screen, blinded by the intense light from the projector, eyes that are still trying to adjust, and unable to see through the darkness before him, the poor sap bumps the coffee table at the front of the theater.  This one action triggers a ballet of disaster!  He tumbles forward, curves to the left, hoping to regain balance.  He falls forward, bumping an end table next to a chair.  To compensate, he pulls back, tripping on the chair which causes him to completely loose his footing.  Mind you, he hasn’t hit the ground yet.  The situation resembles a giant pinball machine; he is the ball that is bouncing from one furniture item to the next.  Now it’s too late to stop the inevitable.  Down he comes, crashing on the side arms of the child’s padded leather theater seat.  THUD! As he quickly discovers, the padding does a rather poor job of covering the solid wood frame of the chair.  Rolling off the chair he feels the pain as the end table crashes upon him, pelting him with the heavy ceramic coasters that adorned the table.  CRASH!  Lying on his back, a painful groan is the only thing that cuts through the dialog being spoken on the screen.  Now he feels it appropriate to remove the glasses that in all the commotion, as if to mock him, refused to fall off on their own.  The consequence of these little decisions included two broken ribs, several bruises and many weeks of painful recovery.  I’m sure that most of you predicted nothing but bad possibilities in the previous scenario.  I wish I had the moment the phone rang.

This is often how we conduct our marriages.  Here are a few helpful tips to promote healing in your relationship:

Turn on the lights!  We need to be realistic about the issues that face the marriage and stop ignoring reoccurring problems.  They will NOT resolve themselves.  You also need to accept responsibility for the areas in which YOU have done damage to your spouse.

Don’t be lazy, take off the 3D glasses!  It is important to consider the negative consequences if the marriage continues down its current path.  Try to imagine a clear image of what your marriage could be.  It’s harder to regain your balance once bad behavior, negative marital attitudes and resentments have become a way of life.

Stop the movie for a minute and tend to the business at hand!  Look toward the future.  Don’t be so focused on the problems of the present that you forget to prioritize what your marriage CAN be if you put forth the effort.  You’ll need to rebuild the relationship a step at a time, don’t think you can do it all at once, there are wound that need to heal.

Too many obstacles in a dark room create a nightmarish maze that is bound to trip you up!  You need a clear path.  Sometimes that takes a third party to help you both sift through the hindrances in your relationship.  Clear out the junk!  In many cases, small adjustment made sooner than later can eliminate a catastrophe down the road.  A good counselor who shares your world view can help you through that process.  Here is a great resource of counselors in your area:

http://www.aacc.net/resources/find-a-counselor/

You will also find many other resources that will help you to propel your marriage forward.  Feel free to have a look around.  Take the steps necessary to begin your journey to the marriage that you’ve always wanted, the marriage that you signed up for.

Be Blessed.

©2016 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

5 Comments

Filed under Behavior, Commitment, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Counseling, Expectations, Priorities, Restoration, Unity

Tagged as , , , , ,

December 13, 2015 · 12:06 pm

Keep Your Focus Upward!

Focus on God

I sit in my hospital room, contemplating the events that brought me here. What started as a freak accident, stepping on a screw head that was in the threshold between the master bedroom and the bathroom, has turned into a serious infection and hospitalization. The podiatrist entered my room with a choice of alternatives. “The infection is very serious and growing. The antibiotic IV’s will only hold it at bay. Our choice is one of two, send you home for six weeks with an antibiotic IV with no guarantee that we will kill the infection and very possibly be in a worse place than we are now, or remove the toe in a place past the infection site and eliminate the spread.”

I couldn’t believe it! Things were going so well. I had returned just two weeks before with a first-place gold medal honor for the first book I had ever authored. My wife and I were honored with a radio interview regarding our books, our ministry and our marriage. The Interview went so well that they slated us for a follow-up. Other interviews are on the horizon. Our ministry was growing and people were being healed. I was revved up and ready to teach my next marriage class in early January. To say nothing of the Christmas excitement flowing through the home. All seemed right with the world.

Why God? Why? This was where I chose to emotionally park myself.

As human beings this is our tendency. Forget all of the blessings that God has bestowed and focus ONLY on the one thing that we can’t make sense of. I don’t underestimate the importance of the grieving process and growing past those circumstances in which we can’t understand the loss. The problem is, too many times we don’t bother to put our car in reverse, back out of the parking space and move forward, working through the hurt and loss that only comes with God’s help.

Prayer before making my decision led me to Psalm 18:2, “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” I was not alone in my circumstances. I was never alone.

When Jesus walked the earth, knowing the pain and the agony he would have to endure at the crucifixion, he asked God to take this cup if it was His will. This was very human, Jesus experienced all of our emotions. Jesus also knew his father and trusted in His strength to do what was necessary. This is an example to us all. In spite of the trials we may face, lean into the one who will get us through, regardless whether we understand the outcome or not.

How did my trial end? I processed my situation (I concede, with a bit of pouting) then decided to back out of the parking slot that I had settled into. Three days later I left the hospital (well, all except one less toe on my right foot.) Confident in the decision that I made. I will be spending the Christmas holiday recuperating with family and friends, fully aware and most thankful for all He has done (and is doing) for me. I will be most eager to get up and running for 2016!

I encourage you who are struggling or dealing with trials this holiday season, you are not alone. Trust God to carry you through the darkness.

I wish you all a MERRRY CHRISTMAS and focus on the blessings that God has given you.

Leave a comment

Filed under Christmas, Emotions, Expectations, Grief, Thankfulness, Trials, Trust

Tagged as , , , ,

November 1, 2015 · 8:25 am

When Expectations Are Set In Stone

set in stone

Expectations can be a slippery slope.  The bottom line regarding expectations is to be wary.  In many cases if we rely on our expectations and they are unrealistic, or based on past events with no consideration toward the possibility for change, they can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, if you choose to believe that an outcome is likely, you can create the scenario for that very belief to come true.

Let’s assume that Harry has a dreaded fear of authority figures because his father was very critical of him. He comes into work that morning and sees a note from his boss on his desk: “My office—11:30 am.”  Immediately the anxiety begins to build. What could he possibly want? I don’t think he really likes me.  He never talks to me; why does he want to see me now? And so the internal conversation goes.

By 11:30 Harry has built up such a scenario of assumptions in his head that he is ready to defend everything from what he had for breakfast to why he voted the way he did in the last election!  Most likely he will walk into that office with a huge chip on his shoulder, ready to be defensive at the slightest provocation.  Just before Harry opens his mouth, his boss acknowledges his efforts and apologizes that he hasn’t mentioned it before and would like to show his appreciation by increasing Harry’s salary for a job well done.  If Harry had expressed what he had been feeling, his foot would have gone directly down his throat—and potentially a nice raise out the window.

The bigger problem with expectations is that it does not allow for growth.  In relationships where there is damage, we often set the script (or it’s been set) and refuse to change it.  Not so surprising, who wants to be hurt again when we’ve been hurt before.  However, when the mates make a decision to change and really work on the relationship we need to adapt our expectations and be flexible in order to make way for the possibility of change.  Otherwise we will continue to doubt the sincerity and potential in our spouse.  We will always assume the worst!  I’m not telling you to be naïve.  The decision to change should show behavioral results.  But, if the change is becoming evident, everyone will need to adjust their expectations to assure further growth.   The reality-we serve a God who specializes in transformation.

Do you need to learn to adjust your expectations in order to allow others to grow?  Have you inhibited growth in others by your concrete assumptions that “they will NEVER change?  Can you see where this philosophy may be damaging your spouse, children or friendships?  Remember, it’s never too late to change!

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

Leave a comment

Filed under Behavior, Beliefs, Expectations, Restoration

Tagged as ,