Filling the cracks of an eroding marital foundation begin with addressing areas in which YOU bear responsibility. Blaming your mate will produce nothing but further distance between you. Besides, you don’t have the ability to change your spouse, but you can change the dynamics by focusing on areas in which you need to grow. After identifying areas in which we may be exhibiting selfish behaviors, what can we do about it? How can we change our selfishness?
- Present yourself to God; ask him to make you aware of your own selfishness. BE PREPARED: if you ask God to show you, he will be faithful. Your job is to be ready to receive it and do something about it.
- Meditate and internalize the following scriptures:
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:13
Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. -1 Corinthians 10:24
These particular scriptures remind me that my relationships are not about me but about loving others.
- Try doing the opposite of what you feel. It sounds unusual but consider that your autopilot may currently be guided by your hurt (not the best compass), so your natural tendency is to self-protect that hurt. Take a chance and see what happens. We can only update our script by taking chances and gathering new evidence to see if our childhood beliefs are still accurate. Have these childhood beliefs skewed our adult perception of relationships, of life? Challenge your adult perceptions. Are they accurate?
Remember, in spite of what happened in your childhood, regardless of the pain that may have been inflicted, intentionally or unintentionally, you are no longer that child. You are an adult and bear the consequences of your adult actions. Ask yourself, “What am I going to do about it?” It’s time to take responsibility for your own behavior. Seek God’s strength and help as you begin to take responsibility for the one thing that you can control: your own behavior.
In spite of the hurt and frustration you may be feeling, depending on the current state of your marriage, it is be important to begin taking responsibility for your own behavior and the decisions that you make. After all, who pays the consequences of your actions? Ultimately you do and perhaps your children.
Bless you in your desire to change.
©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design
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