Category Archives: Communication

April 17, 2016 · 8:20 am

Addictions in the Relationship (Part III): The Need for Healthy Connection

addiction 3

Those who feel the need to rescue people caught in the web of addiction are also often driven by a selfish desire to be a savior. It is a wrong motivation when the rescuer is driven by a boosted sense of self that comes from the gratitude of those we attempt to rescue. The relationship is one of co-dependence. We must realize that sometimes when we intervene in the life of someone and cushion their fall by attempting to take on the load ourselves, we may be short-circuiting what God is trying to teach them. Yes, you can love them, but you can’t heal them, and you can’t make the decision to change for them. You can walk alongside in support and be available for your loved one, but you can’t carry the load for them, relieving them of any responsibility for their behavior.

In walking out of addictions it is important not to attempt the healing process alone. God places people in our paths to walk alongside us, to help us be accountable in our decisions. Remember that accountability will only occur when first we admit there is a problem and accept that we can’t do it alone. Accept the fact that you have created an idol to replace the love, grace, and mercy that only God can give. Secondly, be willing to put yourself out there, taking a chance and trusting that other people are willing to love and accept you where you are. Thirdly, give other people (people you trust) permission to speak truth into your life. Be willing to receive the input of other healthy believers.

There are many Christian churches and Christ-centered organizations that specialize in groups and counseling that would welcome the opportunity to grow with you in fellowship and accountability. Contact your local church; many have resources and referrals available to tend to your particular needs. Don’t put it off any longer.

Only in developing transparency and cultivating fellowship with others can you step out of the darkness into the light and be free of the chains that have bound you for so long. Let God provide the wisdom and discernment about with whom to share. It is important that you develop relationships and allow people in that have your best interest at heart—people who will protect your heart as you begin your walk out of addiction and start to experience all that God can do in your marriage and relationships in general. The process begins with you; make the choice.

If you are ready to take that next step here are some helps to guide you in that direction.  Be blessed!

Alcoholics Anonymous, http://www.aa.org

Alcoholics Anonymous Family Groups, http://www.alanon.org

Narcotics Anonymous, www.na.org

American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) for Christian individual and marital counseling in your area.  Contact: http://www.aacc.net

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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Filed under Accountability, Addiction, Behavior, Character, Communication, Idolatry, Restoration, Selfishness

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February 21, 2016 · 10:37 am

If You Have Nothing Nice To Say…

speech

Brushing up on communication skills is one way that we can enrich our relationships and learn to maneuver the waters of difference. There are several things we can do to accomplish this end. If you examine yourself, you will find areas in which you have used sarcasm to express your dissatisfaction with your mate. Sarcasm, no matter how fluent you may be, is not an acceptable form of communication. Early in our marriage, my wife made it clear to me that I had a great gift for tearing her down with the turn of a phrase—humorously of course. In my marriage, and I hope in yours, the goal is not to inflict pain on my mate.

My entire life I had been praised for my sharp wit and cutting remarks. In the secular world this ability drew people to me by virtue of what today I consider a communication defect. As I drew closer to God, I felt conviction about this.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.   -James 3:3-6

James makes no understatement about the damage that can be done by a tongue that is out of control. This tiny body part can destroy people with words of anger and hate. This is why itis imperative to examine what comes out of our mouths, for the destruction can be devastating to marriages and family.

Do you think before you speak? Do you consider the consequences of your words? Often times when we are slow to apologize we are quick to speak. Why do you think that is? When one understands the importance of humility it is easier to tame the tongue. Would you consider yourself a humble person? Would your spouse? What tends to trigger your outbursts? What changes need to be made to better control your emotions and your loose tongue?

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted

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Filed under Character, Communication, Emotions

February 6, 2016 · 7:09 pm

“I Have Feelings Too”

children's emotions

 Your children are counting on you to have their best interests at heart. They need to know you will be available in their time of need.  That means you need to be in tune with your children. Develop a relationship that is based on good communication. It is our responsibility to teach our children to be open with their feelings. Children who do not share their feelings tend to make decisions about those feeling based on their immature perspective of the world.

Since selfishness is so prevalent in our society, it is no great leap to assume that the choices they make will be founded in that same selfishness. Do not fear your children’s emotions. For some reason many parents shut their children down when they become angry, frustrated, or sad. “Don’t do that…you shouldn’t feel like that” is a common response.

Our children have all the same God-given emotions we do, but what is often missing is the social grace in dealing with those emotions.

When the child’s behavior tied to those emotions is destructive, the parent needs to differentiate between the feelings and the behavior that is deemed unacceptable. Make sure you validate the feelings and discuss them with your children. Men (and perhaps some women), for those of you who think that emotions are for girls or sissies, it’s time to grow up. That may require you to sit down with a counselor or pastor and identify the reasons you struggle with emotional expression. Do not invalidate your child’s emotions; rather consider healthy ways to help them express those emotions. Your children are more likely to communicate with you if you allow them the freedom of verbal expression.

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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Filed under Behavior, Communication, Emotions, Parenting, Respect

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November 29, 2015 · 9:00 am

Give Yourself to God, He’ll Clean Up the Mess!

clean up

For me, certainly one of my major battles involved harnessing what came out of my mouth.  In all honesty I have not yet arrived.  I am still a work in progress…but I’m in good company.  On more than one occasion I had attempted to stop on my own to no avail.  It was clearly evident that I need help greater than myself.  You see, people thought my insults, rudeness and sarcasm were funny.  If God healed me from this would people still like me?

Needless to say, since having asked God to temper my tongue, I no longer care about the acceptance of the world. What God thinks of us is far more important. In displaying God to our families, we should do our best to emulate Him. Men, as the spiritual leaders of our households, that is our obligation.

From the minute we wake up in the morning to the moment we close our eyes at the end of the day, plenty of people and circumstances have the potential to tear us down if given the opportunity.  Ask yourself: do I want to contribute to the “tearing down” process, or would I rather be a part of the edification process? Our marriages need to be the place where we build up and strengthen each other against the arrows of the world.

Are you assessing your behaviors as you interact with the world?  Are you learning to tame your tongue and gather yourself before you respond out of emotion?  Are you examining your motivations and responses aimed at your spouse, or are you simply taking everything personally? It is not just an issue of what words come out of our mouth; we also need to consider what we allow into our minds. External influences can have a great impact on what goes on in our minds, which in turn impacts the words that come pouring out of our mouths.

…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.-Philippians 4:8

Have you asked God to show you how to better tame the critical spirit and breed a heart of understanding and edification?  What is the potential of such a transformation in your marriage, in your life?

God allowed me to retained my sense of humor through the process yet has filtered my communication in such a way as to be more edifying to others.  But again, I am still a work in progress and try to be more intentional about my behaviors, He continues to clean up the mess.  Thank you, Lord!

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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Filed under Behavior, Character, Communication, Leadership, Male Leadership, Respect, Restoration, Submission

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June 13, 2015 · 11:10 am

“Time-Out!”

Time out

A couple once came in to see me, and early in our discussion the wife told me about her husband’s favorite coping mechanism. When the conflict reached a certain level he would simply shut down. He would turn around and leave the house without a word. He would get into his truck and drive off in anger. He would be gone for hours, sometimes staying away all night. His wife would get so frustrated, and nothing ever got resolved. I stored that information until God opened up the perfect opportunity.

A little later into our talk the wife was again sharing about how he walked out on her whenever the conversation got heated. The husband was demonstrating great frustration, and so I asked him, “Tell me, what are you feeling right know? I see a great deal of emotion.” He just shook his head. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Whenever—” I got up mid-sentence and without a word stepped out of my office, closing the door behind me. I waited just outside my office for about two minutes then reentered the room and took my seat. The look on his face was intense. Every muscle in his face was pulled tight. The anger was evident. I caught a look at the wife out of the corner of my eye, and she was beaming. Paraphrased for the more sensitive readers, the husband said, “Next time, don’t even bother talking to me if you don’t want to know what I have to say!”

I paused for dramatic effect. “Now you know exactly how your wife feels every time you do the same to her.” He took it in for a second and then he got it. He understood exactly what he had been doing to his wife.

Even when it is necessary to take a time-out so that you don’t lose control and say something you shouldn’t, communication doesn’t end. Express what you are feeling: “You know, I can feel myself getting angry, and I don’t want to say something I’m going to regret. I love you, but I need to clear my head. Please give me about thirty minutes to take a walk around the block (and pray) and get myself together, and we will continue this conversation.” Partner, be gracious and allow your spouse the time they need. Don’t demand immediate resolution; you will be sorry for that decision if you do. On their return, continue the conversation and work toward a resolve.

How have your demands for “immediate resolution” to conflict been received in the past? Do you have a fear of conflict? From where does it stem? Do you think avoiding/escaping conflict benefits the relationship? What are some steps you might take to improve communication between you and your spouse?

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted. 

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Filed under Communication, Conflict Resolution, Emotions, Respect

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February 9, 2015 · 9:17 am

A Valentine of Hope – The Power of Restoration

relationship repair

Whenever someone experiences car trouble, one of two things must occur. First, if you have been blessed with a mechanical aptitude, you will pop the hood and do a step-by-step analysis to determine the problem, then repair accordingly. Second, if you fall into the category of people of which I am a member, you will call your mechanic to have them take a look at the situation.  The experts will evaluate and diagnose the problem and make any repairs necessary to your car, hopefully putting it back into the state prior to the breakdown. Marriage is very much the same way. When things start to break down it becomes necessary to evaluate and repair the relationship. The great thing is that if both spouses are willing to put forth the effort, complete reparation is possible. We need to remind ourselves of what kind of God we serve. He is the God of miracles. He is also a healing God, and a God of restoration.

In the book of Amos, Israel is being punished for falling into sin, and the house of David has fallen. God had made a covenant with David, stating that one of his descendants would always sit on the throne. In Amos 9:11, God declares, “I will restore David’s fallen tent, I will repair its broken places, restore its ruins, and will rebuild it as it used to be….” You and your spouse have also made a covenant with that same God. If you will allow him to lead, he will take your marriage on a journey of restoration like you never thought possible. But remember, it will be necessary for you to slide over and let God take the wheel.

Depending on the state of your current relationship, what will be necessary for you to put forth the effort required to enhance your marriage? Have you communicated those needs? It may be necessary to bring in a third professional party. Would you be willing to allow a mediator to input some suggestions to move your relationship forward? What are you willing to do? Do you trust that God can restore your marriage? Why/Why not?

Valentine’s Day is about stepping outside of yourself and honoring the other.  Don’t just say it with flowers, that’s a cheap effort when we are experiencing marital problems.  Invest in your relationship and the flowers next year will smell sweeter and have far more meaning.  Be blessed!

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted

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Filed under Communication, Restoration

January 28, 2015 · 4:10 pm

Well, That Was Certainly Affirming

acknowledgement 2

One way that we can edify our loved one is through words of affirmation. Merriam-Webster defines acknowledgment as “recognition or favorable notice of an act or achievement; a declaration or avowal of one’s act or of a fact to give it validity.” An acknowledgment is considerably different from a compliment. Compliments are often shallow and fleeting. “I like your hair” or “Dinner was great” are two examples. This type of validation, although nice, doesn’t stay with us for very long. We need to go deeper with our husbands and wives. We need to identify the uniqueness of our spouse, those qualities that first drew us to them. “Thank you so much for defending me to your mother. Tonight I realized that you will protect me and our family.” “It really meant a lot to me that you supported my decision to go back to school and get my degree. I know that we are a team and that you believe in me.”

These examples go further below the surface of who we are and what our spouse really thinks of us. When it comes to acknowledging, consider the traits and characteristics that God has instilled in your spouse. Remember, these were some of the things you first found endearing. Focus on the things that exemplify and demonstrate their creation by God in His image.

Make acknowledging your spouse a regular part of your weekly activities. The more you meditate on the treasure God has given you in a spouse, the more God will reveal to you.

Were you affirmed growing up? Have you learned not to require acknowledgement? Ask yourself, do you think it would be nice to be affirmed once in a while, to know that your efforts in the relationship are appreciated? If your mate doesn’t affirm you, could it be because she doesn’t feel important to you? What do you think might happen if you took the initiative to edify your spouse?  To start, make a list of those qualities that first drew the two of you together.  Thank God, then thank your spouse for the gift he has given you in her.

©2014 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted

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Filed under Communication, Respect