Tag Archives: Communication

October 21, 2018 · 7:45 am

Communication: A Two-Way Street (Part Three) “My Feelings, My Responsibility”

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As we begin the third part of our ongoing posts on communication among couples, we will discover how our emotions and behaviors can derail our attempts to get our needs met in our relationship communication department.

A problem arises when we take our mate’s communication defensively. This is especially true if what they are sharing is negative—and even more so if it is true. How many times do we hear something that offends us and our listening abruptly shuts down? Many times the other person will say something that triggers a “hot button” in us, especially when the relationship has been on shaky ground. That’s when we stop listening and start to riffle through our imaginary backpack and pull out as much ammunition as possible. We lie in wait, anticipating the second they will take a breath, and then we pounce, unloading our full arsenal of defenses against our spouse. It matters not whether what is being said is accurate; we feel attacked and hurt and therefore we attack. Communication will never be effective if we take everything personally. We need to practice listening, not defending.

Understand that when someone expresses how they feel about something, it’s how they feel! If someone expresses how one of your behaviors led them to feel hurt, listen. It doesn’t necessarily matter what your motivation was for the behavior (if it involves you
at all). Sometimes we hurt people without meaning to. If your husband gets hurt because you didn’t get around to reading the paper he wrote for his college class, don’t get defensive; it’s how he feels. As discussed earlier, just because a particular situation elicits a certain feeling does not necessarily mean the feeling is appropriate, but we can acknowledge that it still exists. Allow this understanding to move you to a place of non-defensiveness.

Each person is responsible for their own feelings and how they behave with regard to those feelings. All too often, the other person takes responsibility for their spouse’s feelings. This is why one person, usually the husband, may feel obligated to fix their wives. Even though you may have elicited a negative emotional response in someone, you are not responsible for what they do with it. Our obligation is to do what is scripturally right.

Be aware that there are ways to express yourself without causing your mate to feel backed into a corner. Presentation is everything. When you want to express how you feel in a particular situation, use neutral words to make the point, and don’t accuse. When you start a sentence with the word “You,” understand that now you are blaming the person for how and why you feel the way you do. In many cases, when someone does something that hurts you, they are not even aware of it. Remember, the world does not revolve around you. Sometimes all it requires is the practice of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Other times you may want to discuss the issue, but be sure to take responsibility for your own feelings.

How effective are you at being assertive when it comes to your spouse? If you are not, what prevents it and what will you need to do to change that?

We will continue our discussion on communication in my next post. We will move deeper into the topic of assertiveness and active listening.

Until next time, be blessed!

©2018 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

 

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September 2, 2018 · 7:56 am

Communication: A Two-Way Street (Part Two) Considering the Male Factor

feelings

As promised in my previous post we will continue to address communication and focus on what culture has done to inhibit male communication as well as how transparency can cause communication to blossom.

For men, expressing how we feel about things can be a foreign concept. Uncomfortable to say the least. Some men are raised to conceal their true feelings. In fact, our society seems to recognize only one acceptable male emotion: anger. Look at the movies we watch; you rarely see the men in films express emotions other than anger. It’s hard to imagine Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, or any of the males represented in movies say, “Please pass me a tissue.” Guys, take a deep breath; it’s just you and me here. Guy to guy, can you honestly say that you have no other emotions? You’ve never experienced fear, frustration, anxiety, or any number of other feelings? Of course not!

Men experience the same range of emotions that women do. The problem is that they tend to filter and display their emotional responses through anger, and that way nobody will think they are weak. How weak is that? Let’s understand that men are not women, nor should they behave like them. However, many men need to step out of the fear of what other men think and learn a lesson in transparency, most definitely in your marital relationships.

Few men would consider David of the Old Testament a weak example of manhood. From his youth, David’s journey exemplified masculinity—giant killer, anointed king, strong leader and motivator, a man after God’s own heart. He was courageous yet benevolent, definitely a man’s man. David was not perfect; he had many setbacks as well. David was a man of passion who had no problem expressing himself emotionally.

I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.
Psalm 6:6-7

David was able to lay it all out before God with honesty and transparency. This is what our wives want from us, honesty and transparency. They want to be let into our world, and they want us to be part of their world. Showing love to your partner involves taking the time to listen to them and hear what they have to say.

Trust is only built from a level of transparency. Having said that, we need to understand that both spouses must be a safe haven for communication and honesty. Communication is a two-way street. The sender of a message has to feel safe in being assertive, or stating what they want and need in their relationship. You may not always get what you want, but you should have no fear of expressing those wants and needs to your loved one. An example of an assertive statement might go like this: “I realize that you would like to get a hamburger for dinner, but we always go for burgers. I was hoping we could do something a little more fancy, something we seldom do. Would you be okay with going for sushi?”

©2018 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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August 5, 2018 · 7:57 am

Communication: A Two-Way Street (Part One) “Listen Up!”

distractions

In these next few consecutive blogs I would like to address one of the greatest causes of divorce in our country and perhaps offer some guidance while helping you stay on the matrimonial road. Poor communication skills destroy families every day, let’s begin with a story…

You can imagine the scene. Husband is sitting on the sofa enjoying his midseason ritual. It’s a close game. The score is 6-7 and a man is on third base, edging to come home. “What’s that noise?” Here comes the right fielder, his turn at bat, and the pitch. Ground ball between the first and second basemen, quickly picked up, and the ball is feverishly thrown home. To no avail; the guy on third slides into home plate and is safe! The husband wonders, What is that low annoying murmur? The catcher throws the ball to first, again too little too late. Safe! The score is now tied, 7-7. Up to the plate comes the short stop, the guy’s got a powerful swing. With increasing irritation, the husband mutters, “There it goes again.” The pitcher winds up and throws; it looks like it’s going to be right in there. The swing and a hit. Crack! A good solid hit. It’s going, going, going… That sound again, like a hive full of bees swarming in my head. Why won’t it stop!

This scene captures what it’s like when some wives try to communicate with their husbands. It doesn’t have to be an important ballgame, it could be just about anything—anything that’s given priority over communication between a husband and wife. Incidentally, the roles in this scenario and the specifics can easily be reversed, lest we think men are the only guilt culprits of poor communication. We are now going to examine the fine art of hearing and being heard by our spouse.

A variety of issues can interfere with effective communication in one’s marriage. They can derive from extended family interference, friendship interference, issues of guilt and shame, faulty perceptions of God, family of origin issues, an ex-spouse, lies a person believes about themselves, and many, many other things. Every one of these issues can cause cracks in the dynamics of communication.

It’s funny how many parents demand excellent listening skills from their children yet fail to demonstrate them in their own marriage relationship. Again, we are called to be an example to our children. When your spouse wants to talk with you and share how they feel about a particular issue, show your love for them by making it important to you. If you have something to say, you expect their attention. Agree to talk after the children go to bed, turn off the television, put down the newspaper, stop clipping coupons, just stop. Eliminate outside distractions so that you are in a state to hear what your spouse has to say.

Body language says a lot about your interest in the other. Turn toward your spouse, use eye contact, and show your interest. Husbands, if it seems your wife is agitated, take her hand and sit with her. There is a great calming effect in human touch, even if you are the cause of her aggravation.

For many of us who have never spent much time thinking about such things, this seems very awkward. Just because something seems awkward does not mean it is wrong. Many of the things discussed in these next few blogs will take time to develop into a level of comfort, but do them anyway. Remember, at this point it’s not about doing what’s comfortable (that’s what’s gotten us into trouble to begin with)—it’s about doing what is right.

Let’s identify some of the impediments to healthy communication in your relationship. You and your spouse each get a sheet of paper. Draw a half-dollar size circle in the middle of a sheet of paper then write “my marriage” inside the circle. The circle represents you and your mate. Take a couple of minutes and write down around your circle the circumstances, situations, people, or anything else that create roadblocks to communication in your marriage. As you place these deterrents on the chart, put them in proximity to how much impact they have on your relationship. The items with greater impact will be placed closer to your marriage circle (if very severe negative impact you may even put it within the circle), and the items with lesser impact will be placed farther from the circle. After you both have completed your chart, share it with your spouse
and compare charts. Make a list of the similarities you found between your chart and your spouse’s chart.

It is very important to isolate these interferences and develop methods to combat their negative impact on your communication. In the case of a meddling father-in-law, a solution might be to set up boundaries and limit the family’s exposure to him. Another solution might be to have the son sit down with his father and set him straight. What action steps can you take to minimize the impact these interferences will have on your communication in the future?

In the next post we will continue to address communication and focus on what culture has done to inhibit male communication as well as how transparency can cause communication to blossom.

Be blessed until next time!

©2018 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

 

 

 

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May 20, 2018 · 4:25 pm

You Can Work With What You Know

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Expectations are an area in our marriage that can really trip us up.  One of the big problems in relationship, whether new or old is the problem of unexpressed expectation.  We all have them, but unless you both are aware of them it makes fulfilling each others needs considerable more difficult.  We simply take it for granted that the other person know our wants and needs.  Unless you are both mind readers there will never be a meeting of the minds.  Another problem occurs when our expectations for our marriage are unrealistic, then a series of potholes will litter the matrimonial highway. We can easily lose sight of God’s design for our marriage; we can forget all the qualities that first attracted us to our spouse; and we can forget just how special our mate really is. We can get so caught up in our differences (often the things we found endearing at first) and forget that our spouse’s strengths offset our own weaknesses and vice versa.  We begin to focus on how our partner can be fixed rather than understanding how God created them different from us. We focus on our feelings rather than the practice of love.

When it was all said and done, the apostle Paul had one expectation: “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death” (Philippians 1:20).  Paul’s expectation was that Christ always be honored.

Now let’s do an experiment.  Go someplace where you can be alone, someplace comfortable and with no intrusions. You may both complete the following exercise in a personal journal or notebook.  Each of you sit for about fifteen minutes, silently.  Once your mind is clear of outside interference make a list of six expectations you have for your mate,  the future of your relationship or anything else that you’d like to see your spouse do more often.   Really give this some thought.  Consider how these expectations would make you feel if they were tended to.  Now that you have completed your list, go back and reread it.  Do you find more negatives in your expectations list than positives?  Has your lack in expressing them to your spouse led to certain expectations being unfulfilled?  I then suggest that you both sit together and share your lists with one another, discussing together the unrealistic ones and coming up with a plan to put forth the effort to address those that are attainable.  Working toward meeting the needs of our partner displays a great sense of selflessness, the foundation of a healthy marriage.  Remember, we can work with what we know.  Be blessed!

©2018 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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April 9, 2018 · 2:57 pm

What Do You Want to Do?

bike riding

Finding things to do together as a couple shows your spouse that you are interested and find value in the time spent together. This is a wonderful way to increase intimacy in your marriage. If you do not currently participate in activities together, begin to find like interests you can share. In some cases that may be a tall task. Perhaps you have difficulty finding things that interest you both. I had absolutely no desire to see the Meryl Streep film The Devil Wears Prada when it debuted. Mind you, I love movies, but this was not my idea of an evening’s entertainment. I chose not to operate in my feelings but to step out of the box and do something for my wife. When she asked, I bit the bullet. “Why sure, honey. I’d love to go see it.” We went out for dinner then off to the movie. I simply changed my mindset. I wasn’t going to see The Devil Wears Prada, I was taking the opportunity to spend some time with my wife. It all worked out just fine, and the movie wasn’t bad either.

Practicing selfless love is a great way to grow your relationship. Although the activities may be fun, it’s more important that you begin to view them as time you get to spend with your spouse. This will make the activities that are not so interesting to you personally just as enjoyable. You can alternate activities, taking turns picking what you will do. Husband, you agree to take in the new chick flick or some such activity, then next week the wife agrees to go to the NASCAR races. Remember, the activity is not as important as the time spent together.

Here’s a little exercise that might just stimulate some activities that you and your spouse can partake in together. Prepare a list of twenty-five activities you really enjoy (or might enjoy) and would love doing with your spouse. Again, these activities may be ones that you have never attempted but think they might be interesting, or simply things you already like to do. Remember, the goal is to use this list when we are having difficulty finding  things to do together. Once you have both completed your list of activities, make a photocopy of it. Exchange lists with each other. Your mate will love it when you plan a day doing something they really enjoy, and this will show them how much you care for them. This will also eliminate the statement “I don’t know…what do you want to do?” when you begin to plan date nights. Now go out and have some fun!

©2016 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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November 26, 2017 · 11:42 am

Appreciation is Much Appreciated

appreciation

Supporting your spouse is an important element in creating a satisfying marriage.  Whether it’s a matter of simply validating your spouse by listening to what they have to say or financially backing your wife’s new book—and everything in between—your spouse needs to know that you are an active partner.  You do not have to agree with everything your spouse says, but the very least you can do is hear them out and weigh the pros and cons of their proposal.  Many things will require seeking the Lord for direction, so take that time and be encouraging to your partner. Remember, it’s not all about you; your spouse has a thought process that is just as valid as yours.

In the same vein, it’s important to acknowledge the efforts of your spouse.  All too often we take our wives or husbands for granted.  Does that sound familiar? Perhaps you heard it from your spouse this week. Don’t do that!  The world offers plenty of opportunity to tear down your mate. Acknowledging good behavior is one of the most effective ways to elicit change in a person. Think about it. With children, how do you get them to do the things you want them to do? Whether it’s doing their chores, being polite, or sharing their toys, we encourage them when they do what is right.  “Thank you Johnny; Mommy really appreciates it when you take out the trash.” “Susie, that was very nice of you to let your sister play with your doll.”

Positive reinforcement makes such a big difference.  And it’s not just the children; we all appreciate it when our efforts are recognized.  The best way to encourage long-term change in our loved ones is to acknowledge them and make them aware that we appreciate what they are doing.  Leave it alone and don’t say anything and you have ensured that the positive behaviors will stop in short order.

Take a moment and assess yourself.  How well do you do in the acknowledgement department?  Do you offer is freely or do you have the tendency to take your spouse for granted?  Investing in your mate is a great way to increase intimacy in your relationship.  In what ways can you make improvements in this particular area of your marriage?.

Be Blessed!

©2017 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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October 15, 2017 · 10:34 am

Going Through the Fire…Together

Overcoming

There are many ways to build our foundation of intimacy as a married couple.  One that some don’t consider is the refining process that occurs when couples go through trials, crisis and life changing events together.  Going through trials together certainly builds intimacy in a relationship. The interesting thing about trials is that they often force greater reliance on God, thereby offering an opportunity to grow in our faith.

We do not want to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.2 Corinthians 1:8-9

Sometimes the challenges that couples go through are incredibly difficult.  When two people are on the same page and working toward the same ends, the pain is considerably reduced by having someone to share them with. It is essential that couples be willing to share difficult circumstances with one another.  Men are notorious for stuffing situations so as not to trouble their wives.  Let your wife see inside you and understand your troubles; let her encourage and support you. If something is bothering you, odds are that you will make it known whether you say anything or not.  When you become quiet or grumpy, your spouse will suspect that something is wrong.  This leaves the spouse to feel responsible for your behavior when it may have nothing at all to do with them.  If there are only two people in a room and one of them is obviously upset, it stands to reason that the remaining person must have done something to offend the other.  This is often how people think, whether it’s accurate or not.

It is often very helpful to receive input from a source that can give you a perspective that perhaps you can’t see, being so close to the problem.  Utilize the gifts that God has given your mate.  Minimally, there is a cleansing process that occurs when you lay out the difficulties that you are struggling with rather than trying helplessly to filter through the emotional frustrations of carrying destructive baggage on your own.  Whether the crisis is personal in nature or one that plaques you as a couple, remember, at some level you will both be affected in one form or another so work it together.

When couples have the opportunity to work problems through to resolution together, they feel a great sense of accomplishment and it strengthens the marriage and increases intimacy.  You guys signed on as a team, play like one!

I pray blessing on you and that God give you the strength to do what’s right.

©2017 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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August 6, 2017 · 11:10 am

Oh, What’s the Difference?! (Part IV)

boxers 3

To sum up what we have discovered about the key differences between men and women, it can be broken down into traits that seem to be “hard-wired” in the sexes. Men thrive on appreciation; women love the joy of anticipation.  The guys are competitive, women are cooperative by nature. Men lean toward a “fix-it” mentality, women like to express themselves.  Healthy men seek to take responsibility; women tend to respond to the dynamics of the relationship.  Guys do it once and do it big, ladies prefer smaller investments more often.  Guys sacrifice, women share.  It isn’t an issue of which way is better, it is part of our design. Although it is not one size fits all, these traits are pretty consistent.  Family of origin issues, life experiences and unhealthy beliefs can all skew the traits that we choose to exhibit for fear or lack of trust.  Even within the model we can pervert these characteristics based on our personal unhealthiness.  However, all things being considered, we can learn much about relationship behavior and areas in which we need to grow.

Hopefully you can see why it is so important not to provoke your spouse in these very sensitive and very important areas. Wives, do not belittle your husbands; it causes very deep damage. Rather, use this newfound awareness to reach in a positive way the man with whom you chose to share the rest of your life. Edify him. Show him that his presence does make a difference, and that he is important to both you and the family.

Husbands, establish trust in areas where you may have failed in the past. Show your wife that you will be the leader, and a leader worth following. Let your “yes” mean yes and your “no” mean no; be a man of your word. Show your family that you will do your best to earn their trust. You will make your family a priority. Both of you, practice the art of grace and mercy as you strive toward protecting one another’s hearts.

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.”     Matthew 12:25

When we understand and appreciate how our differences complement one another, God’s design becomes clear in his creation of men and women. God’s intent for marriage also becomes clear.  The differences between us are what contribute to the fullness of a marriage. We can each learn to grow in areas where we are weak and our spouse is strong. The requirement is accepting those differences and coming to embrace them.

Men and women, husband and wife were designed to be together from early creation.

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”… So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.    Genesis 2:18, 21-22

This passage shows two things: Eve was taken from Adam therefore something in Adam was missing. Eve was that missing something, Eve complimented Adam’s life. Secondly, for those who think that women are inferior, note that woman was the final creation, the crowning achievement, if you will. Husband and wife are designed to complement one another as the two form one in marriage.

If there is pain in your past you have an obligation to get the help you need. God wants your marriage to thrive and this can only happen by cleaning up the filter with which we view life.  Take the pain to God, lay it at the foot of the cross and do not pick it up again, practice the art of forgiveness, grace and mercy so that those people who have hurt will no longer have claim on your life.  See a counselor if necessary, it is nothing to be ashamed of and there are times in our lives in which we can all benefit from a caring ear. Get the help you need, it’s good for you and it’s good for your spouse and family. There are some great counselors available through the American Association of Christian Counselors at the following website:

http://www.aacc.net/resources/find-a-counselor/

Great blessings in your relationship!

©2016 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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June 25, 2017 · 8:11 am

Oh, What’s the Difference?! (Part II)

Boxing 2

With the understanding that we can all work with what we know, we shall continue to shed some light on common traits amongst the sexes that are more often than not “hard-wired”. These traits can cause frustration if we do not take a graceful stance toward the one we love. These differences are designed to enrich our relationship, not produce a thorn in our side. By demonstrating a selfless attitude rather than one of arrogance and superiority these characteristics will grow you both and increase your capacity to love.

Let’s continue with the guys, men have a “fix-it” mentality. They like the challenge of addressing a problem and coming up with a quick and effective solution. When men can do that they feel good about themselves. This causes a great deal of irritation for most women. Women like to express themselves. They process information and emotions inside by discussing them. It’s not always an issue of needing a “fix”; they just want to be heard. So guys, a freebie: accept that you are married to a grown woman, and she doesn’t need you to fix her. Your wife is just as capable of making decisions and doing the right thing as you are. If she really needs your help with an issue, let her ask you! Husbands, you would benefit by being quiet more often and listening to what your wives have to say. Although it may be difficult, just try it and see what happens.

For husbands there is a great desire to take responsibility for the relationship. Men want to be the “take charge” kind of guy for their wife and family. Understand that the term responsible is in reference to a relatively healthy man. In dysfunctional relationship dynamics where the man has a great deal of baggage from the past, the husband may well be just the opposite and behave in a very irresponsible manner. Women, on the other hand, are quick to respond and more sensitive to the dynamics of the relationship. Wives like pouring back into the relationship.

Guys do it once and do it big. They invest wholeheartedly for an impacting result. Women prefer smaller investments more frequently. An example of this would be the husband who once a year spends money at the florist for the biggest, gaudiest bouquet of roses he can find, throwing in the box of chocolate and the overpriced teddy bear for good measure, thinking this makes up for anything he might have missed along the way. Quite possibly, if you asked your wife, she would much prefer to get one rose once a week on her pillow as a reminder of how much you love her, instead of the circus display described earlier.

Hopefully, now you are beginnings to see how the building blocks work together, how our differences can complement one another. Our differences are not the enemy. We will continue to elaborate on these differences in part three of the post, “The Differences Between Men and Women”.

Do you see yourself in some of the traits listed above? What are some of the ways that you can demonstrate more grace in maneuvering through the differences between you and your spouse? What might the result of your actions be?

In the third part of our post we will continue to flesh out the common traits that can help us understand better how our spouse thinks and some of the motivational factors that lead to our behaviors. See you next time!

I pray great blessings on you and your family.

©2016 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

Ready to Reactivate Your Marriage? Click on the “About the Book” tab to learn more about Marriage by Design: The Keys to Create, Cultivate and Claim the Marriage You’ve Always Wanted.

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June 4, 2017 · 8:24 am

Oh, What’s the Difference?! (Part I)

Boxers 1

As we age and mature, the hope is that we grow emotionally and spiritually. Unfortunately for many, myself included, we also grow physically. No matter how much we try to push, tuck, cram, and squeeze we will never get into the jeans of our youth. Face it, size 32  jeans were not designed to accommodate 40-inch waists, no matter what you want to believe! Some people try to do the same thing with their spouses.

It is a great mistake to try to force our wives or husbands into a mold of our own design. Develop the understanding that your differences are ideally the things that strengthen a marriage. What is required to make it work is a measure of patience, grace, and humility. We will venture together on a four-part journey designed to address the differences between the sexes. We will identify what makes a man and a woman tick. As we go deeper, we will uncover the heart of both men and women. Let’s begin by taking a look at some typical characteristics. These characteristics may not run completely across the board with every man or woman, but they are typical enough that we need to acknowledge these traits to better understand the person we married.

For men, the desire to be appreciated is a key factor in their make-up. Men like to know that their presence in a situation has an impact on that situation. We want to know that our input makes a difference. Men also tend to be competitive by nature. The challenge (and the fun) of winning is in the race. Even though maturing means we have to accept the occasional loss, no man likes it.

A couple made the decision to take off a few pounds. They signed up for Weight Watchers and began their point system for weight loss. It’s a well-known fact that men lose weight at a faster rate than women do—one of the things the husband greatly anticipated. Sure enough, the first week he lost 7.4 pounds and his wife lost considerably less than that, no big surprise. It was not because he was doing so much better than she but because of how men and women’s body chemistry and metabolism works. Frankly, he didn’t care about the reason as long as he continued to beat her. This simple example makes a point. Men love the thrill of the competition; it’s how they are wired. As a rule men care less about the details and more about the finish line.

Women love the joy of anticipation, so they typically like the idea of planning ahead. For some, the thought process, the discussions, and the planning are the most rewarding part of the execution of events. Women tend to have a more cooperative nature, so they enjoy the opportunity to work with others. You can see why that would be important to a woman in her relationship. This is why the husband that “shuts down” is a painful hurdle for the wife to get over.

In the areas addressed above, have you been respectful of these differences? What behaviors on your part may need to change to accommodate some of these changes? Remember, your marriage is not about you, we are called to selfishness in our relationships.

In the next post we will look at more traits common to the sexes, don’t miss it!

I pray great blessings on you and your family.

©2016 Eric A. Disney, Marriage by Design

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Filed under Behavior, Character, Communication, Differences, Emotions, Expectations, Grace, selflessness

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